Basically this is me…

What doesn't kill you DEFINITELY makes you stronger

This is me….

on February 21, 2015

So deal with it!!!!!

I am (and I hate using this word) a fat woman.

And every time something abusive is yelled at me on the street or I go up a dress size. I slightly die inside.

It’s rare I talk about how I feel about my size, to most people I am a bubbly, funny  girl and a laugh to be with, what they don’t see is that I am crying on the inside. That for 6 months I wouldn’t look in the mirror and only took pictures of myself at an angle so people couldn’t see my double chin or big frame.

My issues with how I look have been there since I was a teenager. I have always been bigger than others. I am 6 foot 2 so I have never been a petite girl.

Over the last 10 years, I have lost and gained so much weight, it didn’t matter if I was a size 24 or a size 16. I always hated myself.

AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

Now I am going to make something public, which some of my friends don’t even know about. For the past 15 years I have been battling depression. It has always been there. A grey cloud that has been following me and has never left my side. For the last 18 months I have been in counselling and 8 months ago I made the decision to go on to anti depressants. This was a hard decision as I really didn’t want to go on them. But I can honestly say they have saved my life and even though that grey cloud is still there, it doesn’t follow me quite as often.

Before Christmas, I was really struggling I wasn’t looking after myself and felt like I was sinking further and further down. I am starting to feel better and due to this, I want to work on myself, I will not get better if I don’t start looking after myself.

I started by reading blogs by other plus size women. These women are gorgeous, brave and completely and utterly love themselves and it made me want to love myself and be proud of who I am. My favourite blog is by Nancy Whittington. I love her style and spirit. Every time I read her blog I feel inspired to wear what I want and live the life I want to live.

In the last couple of weeks I have started buying new clothes, clothes I want to wear and actually giving a damn about how I look. Last week I went to a local comedy festival for a valentine date with my husband. I bought a new dress, I got my hair done and for the first time in a long time I felt gorgeous. My husband took a picture of me and I wish I could post it however I stupidly deleted it as I didn’t like the way I looked in it MUPPET!!!! However I will get there!!!!

We saw a Saturday Night special which was being compared by the amazing Johnny Vegas. One of the comedians we saw was Sofie Hagen, she is amazing and her comedy set was an Oprah Winfrey ‘A ha’ moment for me.

She is a plus size woman who loves herself and it made me want to feel that way too.

She had a gig the next day and the Hubby and I went to see her. Her set was brilliant and her story was so similar to mine. It really helped me and I even spoke to her afterwards and thanked her. Even got a hug!

It is a day to day battle and this is why I am writing this blog. This is my journey, my therapy and my way of telling others who are feeling the same way that they are not alone.

I will be using this blog to build my confidence, talk about my feelings and to push myself to do things I wouldn’t usually do.

Thanks for reading and hope you will join this journey with me.

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4 responses to “This is me….

  1. Karen Rees says:

    Amazing post, well done you for taking the step into creating a blog to build your confidence! I sincerely hope you have an amazing blog journey 🙂 I’m plus size too and suffer with anxiety – it’s incredibly difficult on bad days but thankfully there’s been more good than bad this year! Blogging is definitely a huge part of that ❤

    Thanks so much for stopping by & following – always great meeting new faces to keep up with… looking forward to reading all your future posts 🙂 Karen X

    http://www.confettiandcurves.wordpress.com

  2. I’m sure this was hard to write, but you should be proud of yourself for sharing your story! I’ve struggled with depression my entire life, and the self-hatred cycle is one I’m all too familiar with. Be good to yourself. Give yourself compliments and treat yourself. The self-love will follow. XOXO

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