Basically this is me…

What doesn't kill you DEFINITELY makes you stronger

Is it actually all in my head?

If you follow my blog on Instagram, you would have seen that this week the heatwave finally made me shred one of my public phobias.

I went outside without covering my arms!

I, like most people I know. Have insecurities about my body. After being so ill and gaining so much weight in the last couple of years my body confidence was at rock bottom.

But after finding the plus size blogger community and seeing Sofie Hagen at the Dave Comedy Festival two years ago. I totally jumped on the body positivity band wagon and started to love my body for what it is and not hate it for what it’s not.

I started wearing what I wanted and I now love dressing up and trying new clothes


However the old insecurities were always there and I still hide my body, especially my arms.

My arms are big, lumpy and flabby. I’ve always felt really self conscious of them and hid them using boleros and cardigans.

Even at my wedding, I had a shrug made as I didn’t feel confident wearing my dress with my arms on show.

I made a beautiful bride 💞

So even though I’ve improved so much and do honestly love my body, how can I still hate my body at the same time?

And I’ve come to the conclusion that it is actually all in my head.

Twice this week I’ve been outside with my arms on show. Once to work and yesterday when I went to see my father in law and brother in law. No one laughed, no one shouted, I went past a group of lads and not one of them said anything about it. I have spent so much time caring what other people think, that I’ve actually deluded myself into believing that they actually care. It has all been in my head, I have been so wrapped up and concerned about what people think of me and what they will say about me that I have almost stopped living the life I want to live.

So here is the lesson I have learnt from all of this… stop caring about what other people think.

And let your arms be free!!!!!


 

 

xVx

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June Favourites 


I am going to start this post with HOW IS IT THE END OF JUNE ALREADY!

This month has flown by! And as it is a very nice tradition I have started here are my June Favourites

I MET GILES!!!!!!!!!!! 

I am a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan and this month I attended the Prophecy Convention in Birmingham which was ran by Rogue Events.

This convention had a bumpy start as some of the main guests dropped out just before but I would still say this was one of the best conventions I have ever been too, I got to geek out with my friends, meet some lovely guests and I finally got my Giles Hug 💞💞💞

For thoses who don’t know Anthony Stewart Head, who plays Rupert Giles in the show, hugs are legendary! And I have been very vocal about the fact that 1) I wanted to meet him and 2) I wanted a hug! And it finally happened 💞💞💞💞


You can tell by my face how happy I was and he was a delight to meet.

I have to admit the star of the con though was the lovely Marc Blucas who played Riley on the show. Most people would say ‘I hated Riley, but big fan of Marc’

By the end of the convention, Marc had everyone swooning over him. Such a warm, funny, down to earth chap. This was his first ever convention and I really hope he does more.

I got a photo with Marc. And as I was waiting my turn. I heard him ask a convention goer their name. Which in my experience is unheard of while having photos. So when it was my turn I went straight up to him and said hi, I’m vicki. To which he replied Hi I’m Marc. Made me giggle at the time as obviously we all knew who he was but it showed just how lovely he is.

 

Bill Bailey 


My husband and I over the last couple of years have been going to more comedy gigs and last year we bought tickets to see Bill Bailey.

I will be honest, this gig was more for Phil then me. But I had a brilliant time. The only issue I had was that I was in so much pain. It is safe to say that I can no longer do a full day at work, travel and then go to a gig! Definitely need time to rest inbetween. 

New Job Present 

Started my new job, with the new team so only seemed right to buy myself a well done present. 

AND WHAT A PRESENT!!!!!


Two of my favourite things Funko Pops and Harry Potter 💞💞💞

Instagram 

Basically This Is Me is now on Instagram! Makes sure to follow me to keep up to date with posts and pictures 📷📷📷📷📷📷

Race for Life 

OMG it is this weekend!!!!!!! 

It had gone so quick but I have come so far and I am determined to cross that finish line on the 10th July 💞💞💞

So June has been a bit of a blur and how are we already 7 months into 2016. 
This year has and continues to suck! So be kind to one another. 

                             xVx 

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Getting Emotional…

I am getting ready to do a 3 mile walk for my race for life training and I’m actually getting slightly over come with how much my body has changed in such a short amount of time.

This picture was taken in March when I went to a #Tweetup at the Harry Potter Experience. I was so sick and so weak I had to go round in a wheelchair. It had got to the point that I thought I was going to have to drop out of the event.

Now here I am 3 months later, getting ready to walk a 5K! I still struggle, I still have pain and exhaustion but to see how far I have come is insane.

When I started swimming again, I had to wait and rest after every lap. On Sunday I did three laps in a row. I was so proud of myself and what I had accomplished I took a picture afterwards


You can see by my face, I’m exhausted but I was also thrilled. My illness has wrecked my body and I feel like I’m slowly claiming it back. I still have bad days, I still have pain and fatigue. But I’m here and I’m fighting.

I am so proud of myself and what I have accomplished and I’m so determine to cross that finish line on Sunday 10th July 💞💞💞💞

A big thank you to everyone who has messaged me support and sponsored me.

If you would sponsor me, here is the link

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/vickithompson2?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=fundraisingpage&utm_content=vickithompson2&utm_campaign=pfp-tweet

I am doing this race in memory of my lovely Mother in Law.

Who is helping me get well, even now 💞

 
xVx

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16 in 16

As discussed in my recent blog, last year was awful! I was diagnosed with Bile Acid Malabsorption and it pretty much wrecked my health and my life.

I have spent the last year pretty much house bound, so when I began to get better and stronger at the end of last year I was determined to make this year count.

So in January, instead of creating new year’s revolutions. I created 16 goals

16 things to do in 2016

16

 

1. Pass my driving test

2. Get fitter

3. Do a race for life

4. Cons, cons and more cons

5. Go to Downton Abbey

6. Do a photo shoot

7. Weekend in London and see West End show

8. Go to Edinburgh

9. Sing at an open mike night

10. Go to the Harry Potter experience and do a tweet up

11. Go to the Dr who Experience

12. Have a Spa weekend

13. Buy a Designer Bag

14. Race a car

15. Do a photography course

16. Be happy

 

As it is now March I have already completed some of these.

I will be writing posts about my experiences and how they helped claim my life back.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy my journey back to my life.

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Coming to terms with the P word

POO!!!!!

I know a random way to start a blog post, but I will explain.

In the past year I have been diagnosised with a condition called Bile Acid Malabsorption

Bile Acid Malabsorption is defined “as a cause of chronic diarrhea, with the patient having their bowels open several times a day”

This lovely definition doesn’t add the pain, the exhaustion, the fatigue, the malnutrition, the fear and the hopelessness that comes with this illness.

It doesn’t add that it took 5 months for a diagnosis, the 3 months I worked without knowing what was going on, was scared to eat, wasn’t sleeping and was turning up to work 2 hours late as I couldn’t get of the toilet. The 3 months I was bed bound as I was so ill, the 7.5 months I had off work as this illness destroyed me or the recent 5 weeks I have had off work since January due to a severe relapse.

It doesn’t talk about the 20 plus tablets I have to take a day to try and control the illness. Which on most occasions doesn’t work.

meds.jpg

 

It doesn’t talk about how after a severe ‘episode’ my husband would have to meet me at the bathroom and pretty much carry me back to the bedroom as I was in so much pain I could barely walk.

The cancelled plans, the friends who think you are a bore or the effect it has on you psychologically.

This is an illness I will always have. The medication shown above, I will be on most of it for the rest of my life. I am now dairy free, gluten free (ish) and rarely drink alcohol. Sometimes I struggle to walk, struggle to leave the house and struggle to see the goodness in my life.

And the main thing that really annoys me, is after everything I’ve been through I still struggle to say POO!!! I go red, I get embarrassed. I have sat in front of my consultant, who deals with this EVERYDAY and said I still got to the toilet often! WTF!!! what is it about saying Poo or diarrhea that makes me want to curl up into a little ball and die!

I would like to say, I have got better with saying it and it is due to the lovely lady Sam Cleasby. If you don’t follow her blog you should! Sam has been diagnosed with IBD and even though we have different illnesses her strength, her courage and her openness with her illness have really helped me cope. When my health deteriorated so quickly last year, she had written a blog post about using a disabled toilet that went viral. She was the voice I needed to hear and I have followed her blog sobadass.me since. If you read this Sam- I just want to say Thank you so much. You have kept me sane the last year and you are awesome!

I was also lucky as I found a wonderful support group on Facebook. Anyone reading this who has been recently diagnosed with BAM – sign up now! www://facebook.com/groups/176952655839795

My experience has shown that doctors do not have enough knowledge of this illness and it is not well known. Finding this group has been wonderful as I can ask them all the random question I have running in my head, If I am scared, or low or confused, there is always someone online I can speak too.

So there you go, That is me.

I hope that this post will help anyone else who is ill, not just with my condition but any condition. Chronic Illness is horrendous and having an invisible illness makes you feel so alone. In the last year I have been discriminated against so many times as people do not understand what I am going though so if I can end this post with one thought it would be this- Be Kind Always.

be kind

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Hello… It’s me

My apologies to Adele but I had too!

 

Hello all, I’m back.

train

It has almost been a year since the last time I blogged. As some of you know I was (and still am) really ill and found it difficult to talk about. I have had a really rough year and it still something I am having to deal with now. However I feel stronger and I am ready to start talking again.

At the time, one of the other reasons I stopped blogging was twitter and the internet in general did not feel like a safe place to be a plus size blogger. It seemed like everyday bloggers were being attacked for being themselves and at that time I was not in a good place to join them.

People are dicks! this is what I have learnt, however that does not mean that they have the right to stop us living our life. And even though I decided to close my blog I continued working on myself, reading other PS bloggers and learning to love myself.

In the past year my confidence has greatly improved, I have started swimming again and don’t try to hide my body, I am loving fashion and am making more of an effort when choosing my outfits. My current obsession is Lindy Bop dresses! they are so pretty!!!!

dress

I am also a lot more comfortable having my picture taken and not hiding my body by taking close ups or angled shots. This is me world! deal with it.

The reason I am back now is that honestly I have missed writing. It was my escape and the way I coped in the world, and no one can take away my voice. I also feel like I have a lot to say and refuse to hide anymore.

But if I am going to restart my blog and talk about my life I need to be honest. I have kept quiet about my illness as I find it embarrassing however no more! As my blog title says Basically This Is Me and it is time I start respecting that.

I will talk about my illness in a future post, but for now I just want to say thank you to everyone who supported me last year and I hope you will rejoin this journey with me.

 

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Little by Little

I haven’t blogged for a while as I haven’t been very well, I have been having issues with my stomach since January and unfortunately for the last couple of weeks it has been a real struggle. Which meant blogging went out the window. Which is a shame because I really do enjoy it and the response I have had about my last posts have been very heart warming and very appreciated, Since admitting the issues I have had with my health, my depression and self image I finally feel comfortable to be me and say what I want too. I have also been making more of an conscious effort with my appearance and what I am wearing which has already had an amazing effect on how I am feeling about myself.

Unfortunately, with how my health has been the last couple of months things have become to slide, my depression was bringing me down and I seem to have been in an awful cycle of work-home-bed-work-home-bed. I wasn’t looking after myself or my home.

I am not proud of what I am about to show you, but to truly understand what it is like to be living with illness and depression, I have to be honest.  The picture below is of my bedroom. I couldn’t move there were bags, clothes, Christmas presents and rubbish everywhere. You can even see at the corner of the picture my Wedding Veil.

IMG_8799

I had no energy to do anything but sleep, eat and repeat and I had enough. A couple of weeks ago on a Sunday when I didn’t feel too bad, I started tidying, sorting and organising. It took over 10 hours but our room went from above to this-

   IMG_8848

I sorted out the floor, organised the chest of drawers and even went through my clothes and wardrobe.

I had got into the awful cycle of having clothes hanging up that I could no longer wear, they were too short, too small, too old or falling apart and I spent every morning just trying to find anything that would fit me.

I am in the lovely position to say that every piece of clothing in my wardrobe fits me, it is such a small stupid thing but makes the world of difference to me and how I feel about myself.

In the end there were 10 bags to be thrown away, 4 recycling bags, 4 bags full of clothes to be sent to charity. One bag of clothes for my little sister and 2 bags of clothes to be thrown away.

IMG_8817

Lots and lots of bags

I’VE GOT MY ROOM BACK!!!!!! 

And it is still tidy, I have become obsessed with organising my clothes and putting things away which makes a nice change. I had to go into hospital on Monday for a procedure to help my stomach and when I came back my hubby was helping me empty my bag. In my medicated state I was being very bossy and telling him exactly where I wanted him to put my clothes and personal items I had taken with me. Good job he loves me 🙂

Little by Little I am pushing forward and making an effort to get better. Rome wasn’t built in a day but it looked beautiful in the end.

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Coming to terms with being a Plus Size Bride.

When my boyfriend (now hubby) proposed to me in April 2012 after 5 years of dating, I was thrilled, shocked and excited to spend the rest of my life with someone who meant the world to me. I was studying to finish my Psychology Degree from University of Leicester and was excited to see what the future brought.

We started planning and decided on our Wedding Date of 6th September 2014 to allow us time to save and have the wedding we wanted.

I have never been one of those girls who have know what there weddings would look like or day dreamed about what their dress would look like, and before I met Phil I honestly thought I would stay single and have lots of cats.

I was excited to go and try on dresses with my mum and the first shop we went to had many plus size dresses I could try on I just couldn’t find the one.

As many brides I decide I was going to lose weight and be thinner for the day, my body however had other ideas. My health deteriorated, I struggled to breath, I was in and out of hospital, I spent a month house bound, 6 months on oral steroids and 18 months with a physiotherapist who had to reteach me how to breath. One of the lovely side effects of being so ill was that I gained so much weight. I spent months trying to lose weight however I would just gain it back again. By January 2014 I had enough and decided to look after myself and not destroy myself by trying to lose weight. I had to come to turns with being a plus size bride.

I had in my head that it was a bad thing to be overweight and a bride, which is ridiculous! However it doesn’t help when all the magazines you see are of thin brides, in gorgeous dress which either didn’t go up to my size or would look ridiculous on me. I also had my own body issues to deal with and my never ending battle with Depression.

The first thing that helped me come to terms with being a plus size bride was our Engagement Shoot, I was terrified of having my pictures taken and thinking ‘oh my god i am going to look like a whale’ I remember sitting in the pub beforehand almost crying telling the photographer how I felt. Once I relaxed and had a giggle with Phil during the shoot, I really enjoyed the experience and was thrilled that there were so many pictures I loved.

pre wedding shoot 4

pre wedding shoot 3

pre wedding shoot 2 prewedding shoot 1

The shoot was around Brindley Place in Birmingham, Phil and I spent a lot of time around that area when we started dating and when asked about an engagement shoot it seemed like a perfect place.

The Dress

Trying to find my dress was a nightmare, one of the low points of my wedding dress hunt was going to shop where they didn’t go past a size 18 and I had to hold the dress next to me to see it. Was crushing.

My mum went on the hunt and found a shop in Coventry which was for plus size brides. IT WAS AMAZING!!!! Every dress fitted me, we had the whole shop to our selves and I finally had my bridal moment and found the dress!!! wedding dress 1wedding dress 1 back

The Dress

It felt gorgeous on and we ordered it there and then. A year before we were going to get married I had my dress and I was thrilled. It was done! No more wedding dress shopping for me… or so I thought.

3 months later I received a text message from the store owner informing me that she was closing down the business and would not be able to complete the order. I was gutted, luckily we got our money back and the dress was still available so I went to another salon to order it, I was thrilled when I was informed they had the dress in my size and I could try it on again. However the dress was faulty, it didn’t fit properly and the jewels on the front were slanted so it made the dress look lopsided,

The store owner informed me that the company had said if I wanted the dress, this would be my dress. This slanted, faulty dress was to be my wedding dress… HELL NO!!!!

I asked her to go back to them with my concerns and she said she would and would call me later in the week with an update, 3 weeks later I still hadn’t heard anything and I was chasing her for an answer. Once I did finally talk to her I was informed that the company had said there was nothing wrong with the dress and if I wanted to order it, that would be my dress, I was crushed, disheartened and felt really let down, I also lost trust in the company and refused to spend a lot of money on a dress which we would most likely have to spend a lot of money to fix- so I walked away.

This left us a couple of months to find a different dress and it was awful. We went to shop after shop in Birmingham, Walsall, Sutton trying to find something. The dresses were either ugly, made me look old, didn’t fit or weren’t right for me. On many occasions I left the shops in tears. I just wanted it to be over and I wanted to have my dress.

As I live in Leicester my mum suggested that we have a look around the wedding shops in Leicester to find my dress, and if that didn’t work we were going to a dressmaker to make me one.

We booked appointments and my mum and sister came down, and then I found my dress.

The first shop, the first dress I tried on and I fell in love.

And what makes me really laugh is that I tried it on as a joke. It was big and puffy and a proper princess dress, something that I had always avoided, I remember coming out and saying ‘ I really shouldn’t like this dress… but I REALLY like this dress,” I felt gorgeous, I looked gorgeous, I made my mum cry. I cried. After all the crap I went through to get it, I finally had my dress.

This dress was from Francesca and I will always be grateful for how they treated me.

IMG_6077

My Gorgeous Gorgeous dress!!!

me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All done up on our wedding day

bouncy castle

Rocking the dress on our Bouncy Castle 

Looking back it makes me feel sad that I felt that way about myself and let it affect my wedding planning and that is why I am writing this incredibly long post, to say to anyone else who feels the way I did … STOP! You are gorgeous, whether you are size 6 or a 36 you are frigging GORGEOUS!!!!! enjoy your day, enjoy your experience, Don’t be afraid of what people think.

I had such a wonderful day, I married the love of my life, had a fabulous day and we will have a fabulous life together

I am fighting an ongoing battle to love myself and be proud of who I am today, but on my wedding day I felt like the most gorgeous girl in the world.

phil and i wedding

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New Start, New Clothes…

image1 Read the rest of this entry »

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First Blog post and Sunday Day Out.

Firstly I wanted to start this post by saying thank you.

The reaction to my first post yesterday was amazing and unexpected, I have received so many messages from people and I wanted to thank you for all your kind words and encouragement.

Sunday Day Out

bag

Ready for an adventure 🙂

My hubby’s best friend came to stay with us this weekend and due to this we took advantage of his car.

We spent most of Saturday trying to work out where to go. Most of our choices were a good 2 hours away from our house. Then my hubby found Bruntingthorpe Airfield. So we woke up early, had some breakfast and I took my camera to take some pictures.

This place was amazing!! Best Part was standing under a 747

wheelsSuch an amazing view

Was a giggle looking around all the old fashion planes and seeing my Hubby and his best friend running around like children looking and playing in the planes.

Really enjoyed the day but regretted my outfit choice, Black dress and UGG boots really wasn’t suitable for what turned out to be a really cold, rainy day.

wheels 2

As you can tell by my picture, it was rather cold.

So in a bid to work on my confidence and stay true to my pledge, I got my hubby to take some pictures of me. One to document a fun day out and two to push myself to expose my true self.

I really love how I look in the pictures and I haven’t been able to say that for a long time.

plane

loved the fact I was taller than this plane!

747 pic

It turns out that standing next to a 747 is a very slimming view 🙂 

I am proud of my achievements today, bit by bit I will get there and it was a lovely day out.

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